Did we think after two failed transfers and the lucky third one who turned into a pregnancy, we are on the safe side?
I flew to Minnesota just a couple of days ago. Couldn’t wait any longer to see the Cartier’s, our American family. Finally, I got to meet the youngest daughter for the first time. It felt like coming home. Not just the birth place for my daughter and son, no it’s home for my whole family. We spend joyful days, enjoying life as it’s best.
One more day and I would fly out of Minneapolis. We parked our car and entered the clinic. Just a few minutes to go till the Ultrasound. Not even 15 Minutes later and we got back to the car. It just happened. There was no heartbeat. The embryo didn’t grow anymore. We sat there and were both in shock. Did that just happen? Did the lady just tell us we are not pregnant anymore? Did she just stop the ultrasound after a few minutes because it was all clear, there is no life inside anymore?
I didn’t plan to be there a few weeks ago. It just happened that I booked my flight. And now it all makes sense. I am happy that Dana wasn’t there by herself.
Where do I begin? This is not how I pictured my next blog post to go. I wanted to write how great the 10-week appointment went, how strong the heartbeat was, how big the baby was getting, and how excited we all were, but that's not the case. Unfortunately, the appointment went the exact opposite. And I was completely shocked! I had no signs of a miscarriage, not a single one. When the ultrasound tech said, "I am a little concerned, the baby is measuring at 7 weeks" I sat there with a blank stare and said, "what do you mean, why? Did you see a heartbeat?" and when she said no, I couldn't have been more thrown off. At that moment I felt angry, shocked, sad, confused and in complete disbelief. Micha and I went to the car and just sat there for a moment trying to process what just happened. Is this real life? I had many thoughts going through my mind. What could I have done different? Is there something that I did? Did I miss any medications? How did I not know this happened a few weeks ago!? Micha was there and he reassured me that there wasn't anything that I could have done different. This was just meant to be. There is a reason why this happened. But at this moment you think why? You feel like you are the only one going through this. I know people that have had a miscarriage, but you never think that it's going to happen to you. For the next 24 hours that Micha was still staying with us we talked a lot about how lucky we are to have the children that we have and have to be thankful for them.
After I dropped Micha off at the airport I had a follow up appointment to see what the next steps were for me and the baby. They did another ultrasound and there was still that little bit of hope in me that there was a heartbeat and the other tech the day earlier just missed it, but it was still the same result, no heartbeat. I met with the doctor and went over the options and I decided to let my body do its thing and let the baby pass that way. A few days later my body decided its time and after a lot of cramps and other not so fun things it passed.
After all said and done this journey isn't over for Micha, Ron and I. We still are going to be great friends and talk to each other every day. I'm still Auntie Dana to Emma and Eli. Nothing will change that. Life goes on, we move forward and we can all be thankful for our health and look forward to our future. I want to thank everyone that has followed our short journey and encouraged us along the way. It doesn't have the ending that we wanted, but it's just another chapter in our story.